her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
You Might Also Like
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
$3 #books
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you
Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating: