I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
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Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
yes, those are my real potatoes.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
When you can’t find your friend Neil
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM