COP 1: whys there a dead scuba diver in the forest??
COP 2: easy…he was in the water they drop on forest fires
WEIRD SERIAL KILLER: no no NO
I’ve started picking up dudes by walking into Starbucks and “accidentally” dropping my recipe for bacon tacos.
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Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
The worst part about online shopping is having to get up n get your card out your purse
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
My boss is basically Ursula from The Little Mermaid. Deceitful, selfish, conniving, wears too much make up, is an octopus.
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
There’s no easy way to tell someone you lost their kid in a high stakes game of duck duck goose.
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.