I’ve started picking up dudes by walking into Starbucks and “accidentally” dropping my recipe for bacon tacos.

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COP 1: whys there a dead scuba diver in the forest??
COP 2: easy…he was in the water they drop on forest fires


Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.


The worst part about online shopping is having to get up n get your card out your purse


4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute

40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.


My boss is basically Ursula from The Little Mermaid. Deceitful, selfish, conniving, wears too much make up, is an octopus.


Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?


“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”

-guy who invented ketchup packets


There’s no easy way to tell someone you lost their kid in a high stakes game of duck duck goose.


If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.


If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.