I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
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The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
Sometimes? I’m slipping
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE