Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
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I’m calling them Accused Murder Hornets until I hear their side the story.
Relax lady, you can quit giving me dirty looks. I don’t want my own husband, so I sure as hell don’t want yours.
Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.
6yo: (raises hand)
Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)
6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
Herpes sounds like the name of a greek god
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
If I survived a plane crash in the wilderness, my biggest concern would be how much my airport parking bill would be.
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night