I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”

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Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat


I’m calling them Accused Murder Hornets until I hear their side the story.


Relax lady, you can quit giving me dirty looks. I don’t want my own husband, so I sure as hell don’t want yours.


Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.

6yo: (raises hand)

Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)

6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?


Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”

Me:”You mean ASAP?”

Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”


If I survived a plane crash in the wilderness, my biggest concern would be how much my airport parking bill would be.


[first day as an Orderly]

*gets fired for disorderly conduct*


Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night