I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”

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The clerk at the art supply store just told me they have a “Monet back guarantee”…

I’ve never wanted to hit someone more in my life.


Me: I don’t know how to dance to this kind of music

Beer: yes you do


lobster christian grey: ‘my tastes are very…..singular’

*opens closet door revealing hundreds of rubber bands*


I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work


Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.


Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.


Finally getting around to shaving my legs, blow drying them kept taking to long.


Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.


I dance in my car, unashamed, in hopes of one day driving beside somebody as fun as me and sparking a dance off.


I know things are hard right now but I find comfort in the way we all quietly began using scrunchies again