I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
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At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*