There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
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me working on my assignments ^-^
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.