I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
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stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
*pronounces UPS like yoops
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy