If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
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Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
This is a whole mood;
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
relationship goals
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce
*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.