I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
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I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
No, I don’t think I will.
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo