@shesatornado

I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy

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@shamans_heal

Pro Tip:

If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!

@mommy_cusses

Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?

@seamusmckracken

When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.

Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.

@briangaar

Son, that bear is more afraid of you than you are of … oh wow, that bear is being really brave right now.

@JohnielDan

Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.

@Super70sSports

Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.

@ArfMeasures

[End of day 1, building Rome]

Builder: We’ve finished, boss

Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks

@VaChina1

Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight

@thatdutchperson

I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.

@PoorEvelyn

Queen Elizabeth is celebrating 60 years on the throne.

I assume it was something she ate.