I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy

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Pro Tip:

If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!


Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?


When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.

Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.


Son, that bear is more afraid of you than you are of … oh wow, that bear is being really brave right now.


Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.


Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.


[End of day 1, building Rome]

Builder: We’ve finished, boss

Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks


Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight


I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.


Queen Elizabeth is celebrating 60 years on the throne.

I assume it was something she ate.