I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
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Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward