I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.

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I have been reporting moms on Facebook who brag about how perfect their lives are as fake news.


Why do guys go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. There’s like 10 women to each man and they’re already there looking for things they don’t need.


Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’

Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet


I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.


If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”


8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”

Me: “Not this tired.”


*aliens land on Thanksgiving*

*me showing them around*
“We have a specific bone we break from the carcass to make a wish”

Aliens: Savages


*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring


I built a Snowman on my stomach and now I have an abdominal Snowman.