@jlock17

I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.

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@TheHatStore

me: I forgot my line

movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip

@TheDrunkJake

Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter

@birbigs

Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.

@murrman5

[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what

@3sunzzz

I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.

@FriedGoat

I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bears

They really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes

@TheToddWilliams

[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON

@onlineguy420

anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government

@AmericanGent69

Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.