@jlock17

I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.

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@TheMichaelRock

I have been reporting moms on Facebook who brag about how perfect their lives are as fake news.

@Exkarma

Why do guys go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. There’s like 10 women to each man and they’re already there looking for things they don’t need.

@dmroberts1000

Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’

Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet

@JustMeTurtle

I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.

@MichaelTrying

If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”

@mama_babble

8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”

Me: “Not this tired.”

@Mr_Kapowski

*aliens land on Thanksgiving*

*me showing them around*
“We have a specific bone we break from the carcass to make a wish”

Aliens: Savages

@MavenofHonor

*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring

@tweetsvisual

I built a Snowman on my stomach and now I have an abdominal Snowman.