I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
You Might Also Like
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t
~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts