@LizHackett

I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.

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@PaperWash

bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!

[everyone freezes]

bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet

@WritePlay

*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*

“Make a wish,” I say.

*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*

@ericsshadow

[me holding a door]

PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.

ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.

@LeftAtLondon

Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”

@therealeatwood

CASHIER: Your total is $18.54

ME: A fine year!

CASHIER (WHO IS BLACK): Was it

@djdarrellripley

Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.

Me: Yea, the nursing home…

@GrantTanaka

[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE

@StarksWeek

I’ve been known to drive women crazy with my tongue.

*never shuts the hell up*

@Knob_ish

Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!