bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
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*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
CASHIER: Your total is $18.54
ME: A fine year!
CASHIER (WHO IS BLACK): Was it
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE
I’ve been known to drive women crazy with my tongue.
*never shuts the hell up*
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!