I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
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My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
Steam Forums
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
[texting my wife from the barber]
WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
Happy thanksgiving!
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad