@scott_tobias

I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years

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@LittleMissZesty

Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*

Co-worker:

@TheAlexNevil

*first day as a hair stylist

“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”

@GianDoh

*Hits Rock Bottom*

Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.

@Elizasoul80

Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.

@TheToddWilliams

[blind date]

HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets

ME: Oh wow, me too!

HER: Really?

ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?

@daemonic3

[during sex]

HER: I want you to make me scream

ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*

@nedroid

here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome

@tealbluejay

I touch myself when I think of you.

It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.

@AwsomeHairDay

If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.