I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
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Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.