I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
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My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.