I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
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Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
Note to self: I am a note
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”