I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
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Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
Flowers bee like
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
Good advice.
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem
“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.