I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
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I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virusPhysicist screws up:
Deadly black holeGeologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
God, I love Scotland
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.