@Bob_Janke

I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario

[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]

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@CulturedRuffian

Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.

@StellaRtwot

I think I’ll test to see if my husband is checking my browser history by searching “How to tell if your baby is black in the womb.”

@YesItsAl

I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend

@Thynebear

*walks up to bouncer*

“sorry pal, this is a private country club”

*peeks inside*

[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]

@E_lok44

I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”

@aotakeo

[carnival]

me: I’d like an elephant!

face painter: on your cheek or…?

me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised

@Vodkantots

Cop: Do you know how fast you were going, ma’am?
Me: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Cop: You’re free to go.

@RobTemple101

I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.

@longwall26

“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee

@NurseMurderer

I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.