@portmanteauface

I’ve washed my hands three times and showered twice and I still have the smell on my fingers. Fresh rosemary is the herpes of herbs.

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@MichaelTrying

In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.

@markedly

Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair

@weismanjake

I’m a vegetarian and when people say to me “you know Hitler was also a vegetarian” it always reminds me how many Jews I’ve been killing

@TheMichaelRock

It’s like Batman didn’t even care about crime in the cities surrounding Gotham.

@itrevormoore

Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.

@SteveKoehler22

Research found happiness
peaks at ages 23 and 65.

Age 23 ~ excited to enter the work force
Age 65 ~ relief at leaving the work force.

@TheAlexNevil

*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well

*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually

@jctwritesstuff

Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT