nice challenge
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I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
This trial is so absurd 😭
Love is in the air fryer.
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
[construction site]
NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mineFOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds
NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
[dropping my bf off at the airport]
Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much
Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!
Me: wait wha-
Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?