I’ve washed my hands three times and showered twice and I still have the smell on my fingers. Fresh rosemary is the herpes of herbs.

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In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.


Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair


I’m a vegetarian and when people say to me “you know Hitler was also a vegetarian” it always reminds me how many Jews I’ve been killing


It’s like Batman didn’t even care about crime in the cities surrounding Gotham.


Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.


Research found happiness
peaks at ages 23 and 65.

Age 23 ~ excited to enter the work force
Age 65 ~ relief at leaving the work force.


*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well

*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually


Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.