If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
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Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
Don’t touch that.
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
WTF IS THAT!
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
The asteroid..
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
(Electricians.)
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.