I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
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To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.