I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.

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Today I saw a homeless man pick up a brochure for a computer repairer. I guess he’s having computer problems?


*snail Olympics*
How does it feel?
“Well it took 4 years but I finished the marathon”
And how will you prepare for it again tomorrow?


Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business


A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.


I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write


Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.


Watch your wedding video backwards. You’ll love the part when you take your ring off, walk away from the altar, & leave with your friends.


[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]

COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!

COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*