@JessicaVarsity

I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.

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@ashleyaustrew

I want to know what love is. I want you to show me. No, not you. You. On the left. Other left. No. Jesus Christ, I’ll do it myself.

@ddsmidt

Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.

You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.

@Brentweets

I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”

@chrissyteigen

any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow

@louisvirtel

The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.

@FelicityHannah

My 4 yr old nephew’s hobby horse is called ‘my noble Steve’ because he misheard the word ‘steed’ and I am dying.

@AristotlesNZ

Wife: Who let the boys out?
Me: Woof woof woof!
Her: Who let the boys out?!
Me: Woof woof woof!
Her: KIDS ARE IN THE STREET!
Me: I’m going..

@jonnysun

*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK

@SortaBad

*cute bartender gives me back my credit card*
“No it’s cool, you keep it”