REAL ’90s kids will recognize this! —> Current unemployment.
I’ve waved to or spoken to my neighbor Rory every day for the past six years. Today I learned his name is Kent.
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The police never think its as funny as you do.
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
“So how did you two meet?”
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
I’ve programmed Alexa to turn off the lights and attack me at random intervals so I can keep my karate skills sharp.
Wife just said “burgs” instead of “burgers” and now I’m a little scared to think of what she’s going to do with all the time she saved.
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.