@AndLookPretty

I’ve waved to or spoken to my neighbor Rory every day for the past six years. Today I learned his name is Kent.

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@KenJennings

REAL ’90s kids will recognize this! —> Current unemployment.

@zachreinert03

Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie

@sheseemslegit

Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.

@envydatropic

If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.

@flamingo_poet

I’ve programmed Alexa to turn off the lights and attack me at random intervals so I can keep my karate skills sharp.

@thestlouisan

Wife just said “burgs” instead of “burgers” and now I’m a little scared to think of what she’s going to do with all the time she saved.

@withanewname

[Sonic]

Me: … and 17 orders of tater…

Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.