Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
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Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED