@gobmentcheese

I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.

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@CantEven101

Apologies to my forehead for assuming that automatic doors will just “open.”

@carlyken

me: *googling* am I dying

web md: nope just sad

me: oh good

web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh

me: that’s fair

web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent

me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again

@SkinnieTalls

It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.

@gneicco

Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.

@MNateShyamalan

willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen

me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail

willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-

me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed

willy wonka:

me: how did- how could they have prepared

@T_Bonezzz_

[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]

**SIGN IN WITH FACEBOOK**

@frankzulla

“How do you talk to an angel”

Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?

“How do you hold her close to where you are”

Me: Aren’t most angels men?

@tjcirimele

*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*

@momtransparent1

Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.

We are NOT ok.

@badbanana

Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.