I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
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HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
Look at this
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.