I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
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If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
Would you wear it?
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there