I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
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At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
Sign of the day..
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
[canadians at you, canadianly]
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
oppen heimer style lol
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.