@_Enanem_

I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.

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@meghaffer

The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.

@Holy_Mowgli

BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be

ME: I’ll have a dirty martini

BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*

@Sickayduh

Chairman: Ok so we’ve decided a group of crows is called a flock?

Creepy Frank: *licking a knife* I’ve got a better idea

@Hobo_Splendido

[the first simple organisms drag themselves from the primordial swamp]

Her: my elbows are dry

@English_Channel

new workout: I put my phone on the other side of the house so I have to walk to check Twitter. I’ve gotten 56,000 steps today

@goldengateblond

Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.

@ElleOhHell

“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.