@gobmentcheese
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
@_Enanem_
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
You Might Also Like
@gobmentcheese
@meghaffer
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
@Holy_Mowgli
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
@Sickayduh
Chairman: Ok so we’ve decided a group of crows is called a flock?
Creepy Frank: *licking a knife* I’ve got a better idea
@_lickks
This COVID shit lasting like a Honda Civic
@monochromatiic
He who laughs first, must be using 3G internet.
@Hobo_Splendido
[the first simple organisms drag themselves from the primordial swamp]
Her: my elbows are dry
@English_Channel
new workout: I put my phone on the other side of the house so I have to walk to check Twitter. I’ve gotten 56,000 steps today
@goldengateblond
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
@ElleOhHell
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.