I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
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google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
I love you…
…r dog.
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand