I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
You Might Also Like
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
I wanna be friends with this person
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
The first matador
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.