My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
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My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
Saint West, the patron of selfies
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.