J.K. Rowling: “Theres actually a goat with Harry Potter the entire time, its just never mentioned or does anything.”

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Dear iPhone,

I have typed “haha” like a million times, but yet you continually give me “haga”, “hsha”, “gaga”, “hahss”, “hahs”

I hate you


Trainer: have you been sticking to your diet?

Me: *tries to mumble yes but a chicken wing falls out of my mouth*


Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.


Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.


what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy


A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit


Cop: You doin drugs?
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”


I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.


Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party


Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.