@ruinedpicnic

J.K. Rowling: “Theres actually a goat with Harry Potter the entire time, its just never mentioned or does anything.”

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@jazmasta

Dear iPhone,

I have typed “haha” like a million times, but yet you continually give me “haga”, “hsha”, “gaga”, “hahss”, “hahs”

I hate you

@DaddyJew

Trainer: have you been sticking to your diet?

Me: *tries to mumble yes but a chicken wing falls out of my mouth*

@_sweet_ham

Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.

@GensPlace

Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.

@Kateness8

what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy

@KimmyMonte

A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit

@rockymomax

Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”

@junejuly12

I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.

@bacon_gillepic

Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party

@WilliamAder

Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.