I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
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I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
this… may be the greatest story ever told
WWE is French for “yes”
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
Nose
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
started wrapping my pills in cheese
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts