don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
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Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
Van Gone
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?