#StillHurts
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My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
This raises questions
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
[Airplane]
Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”
My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”
Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.