Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
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I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
this article brought to you by lions
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing