Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
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Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
Dolls on drugs
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
Domino’s: FREE PIZZA
Me: sweet finally
Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????
Me: uh what happened to free?
Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE
Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?
Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…