@BuckyIsotope

Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.

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@sparticus_af

no caffeine: day 6

-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead

@Shot_Of_Cabo

Me: Marijuana is good for my glaucoma.

She: But you don’t have glaucoma.

Me: See?

@kxthleen

other girls wearing low ponytails: smart, classy, professional, beautiful

me wearing a low ponytail: will turner in pirates of the caribbean

@dumbbeezie

No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body

@myles_morrison

People with profile pictures of their kids. Stop it. All I can think is, why are these toddlers trying to add me on facebook?

@BoomBoomBetty

I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years

@MrMichaelRose

I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them

@withanewname

[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!

Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.

@mysteryteacher

Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?

Everybody.

@offbeatoliv

Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party

Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party