⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
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You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.