Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
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You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
why am I working on Labor Day
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
Animal poetry
Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever