@squirrel74wkgn

Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*

You Might Also Like

@Smooheed

A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type

And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended

@3sunzzz

I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.

Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.

@DothTheDoth

I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.

@Parkerlawyer

I made a grown man cry today in court.

But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.

@Alex_but_online

Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??

Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved

@trumpetcake

Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.

@Shade510

Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.

@PinkCamoTO

I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.

@mammascorpio_r

How to make meals for toddlers:

Step 1. Choose any food.

Step 2. Throw it away.