Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*

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A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type

And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended


I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.

Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.


I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.


I made a grown man cry today in court.

But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.


Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??

Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved


Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.


Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.


I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.


How to make meals for toddlers:

Step 1. Choose any food.

Step 2. Throw it away.