[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
You Might Also Like
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
There is no “we” in pizza
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
Beware of the dog..
Inspiration twitter:
“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”
Also inspiration twitter:
“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.