@BeeeejEsq

Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.

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@iwearaonesie

So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”

@PleaseBeGneiss

HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner

HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me

@CoopSoSarc

Maybe I’m just drunk, but this toilet looks alot like my neighbors car.

@ImHopel3ss

If you cant beat’em, join’em! Then kill them while they’re sleeping.

@hermanntrude

Nerdy trick. Impress your friends by taking cube roots in your head

Step 1: memorise the following:

1³=1
2³=8
3³=27
4³=64
5³=125
6³=216
7³=343
8³=512
9³=729

Step 2: get a friend to take a calculator and enter a 2 digit number and then cube that number and tell you the answer

@Fred_Delicious

Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament

@NikiWithIssues

There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.

@KalvinMacleod

SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M:  I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*

@MavenofHonor

I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date