@BeeeejEsq

Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.

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@professorkiosk

Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air

Michael Cera:

Sensor: *bursts into flames*

@LisforLia

Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link

@themiltron

[the invention of knocking]

i’m gonna punch your house until you talk to me

@ddsmidt

I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“

…As if I plan on eating it.

@Darlainky

My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.

@causticbob

Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.

Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.

@noog

The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost

@mom_tho

Me: How do you like your new bed?

Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!

Me: What?

Dog: Wut