So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
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HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
Maybe I’m just drunk, but this toilet looks alot like my neighbors car.
If you cant beat’em, join’em! Then kill them while they’re sleeping.
Nerdy trick. Impress your friends by taking cube roots in your head
Step 1: memorise the following:
Step 2: get a friend to take a calculator and enter a 2 digit number and then cube that number and tell you the answer
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*
Hair so long she accidentally flushed herself down the toilet
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date