Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.

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So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”


HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner

HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me


Maybe I’m just drunk, but this toilet looks alot like my neighbors car.


If you cant beat’em, join’em! Then kill them while they’re sleeping.


Nerdy trick. Impress your friends by taking cube roots in your head

Step 1: memorise the following:


Step 2: get a friend to take a calculator and enter a 2 digit number and then cube that number and tell you the answer


Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament


There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.


SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M:  I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*


I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date