you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
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Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
omg leave her alone
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?