Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
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Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
White Castle for the Win
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
Truth
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories