Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
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Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.
But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.
I’m not telling.
Checkmate.
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum