Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
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What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
Me: I just got hit
911: are you ok
Me: with a car
911: oh my gosh
Me: a toy car
911: oh why did u call us then
Me: its now sticking out of my skull
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentatorPfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.