[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
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Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.