Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
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You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
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Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
Tony Hawk, age 6
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.