I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
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Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
satan: not today, microsoft teams
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February