INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.

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ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know


My girlfriend will be like “you suck at decorating” and then confidently put three twigs in an old milk jug.


If maxi pad commercials didn’t exist, us women would have no idea that we’re full of blue windshield wiper fluid.


Cop: Been drinking tonight, ma’am?
Me: No, I’m just dizzy b/c I’m having a heavy flow day. It’s really clotty and…
Cop: You’re free to go.


Republicans say they’re not satisfied with Michele Obama’s speech because she didn’t give it from her kitchen.


Making everyone happy is impossible. But pissing them off is a piece of cake. I like cake.


I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.


I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.

*eats it


Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?


Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00