[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
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My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illnessAnd the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
Cool shirt 🙂
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
Clients after you give them your rates
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”