INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.

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I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.

Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.


*Notices that boss is about to walk into glass door*
*Lets nature run its course*


ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.


Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi


I’m so glad I found Twitter…I finally have a rock solid Alibi for my Google Search History!


“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.


yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor


Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.


Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now