@Tommytoughstuff

[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.

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@Megatronic13

I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.

Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.

@lildandeli0n

*Notices that boss is about to walk into glass door*
*Lets nature run its course*

@huntigula

ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.

@schlimp

Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi

@JasonLight73

I’m so glad I found Twitter…I finally have a rock solid Alibi for my Google Search History!

@bazecraze

“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.

@SunshineJarboly

yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.

@RandiLawson

Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now