@Tommytoughstuff

[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.

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@murrman5

ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know

@turnerbarrowman

My girlfriend will be like “you suck at decorating” and then confidently put three twigs in an old milk jug.

@LindzThoughts

If maxi pad commercials didn’t exist, us women would have no idea that we’re full of blue windshield wiper fluid.

@Vodkantots

Cop: Been drinking tonight, ma’am?
Me: No, I’m just dizzy b/c I’m having a heavy flow day. It’s really clotty and…
Cop: You’re free to go.

@rationalists

Republicans say they’re not satisfied with Michele Obama’s speech because she didn’t give it from her kitchen.

@HeidiCF8

Making everyone happy is impossible. But pissing them off is a piece of cake. I like cake.

@LoveNLunchmeat

I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.

@E_lok44

I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.

*eats it

@iLikeCatShirts

Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?

@twitinfected

Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00