[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
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What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
FINE, I WON’T.
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man