[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick
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Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
(Musicians.)
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.