[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick
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“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
Emotional Fruit:
The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go